My blogging has slowed down considerably in the last couple of months, but there's no question of "I can't believe how long it's been since my last post... promise to improve" etc - this is not a blog about to be abandoned. Writing is very important to me and I have lots of ideas, but my brains are scrambled at the moment.
My partner John hurt his back in early January while pulling weeds out of the pond, and when we learned that he had fractured a vertebra we understood why he had been in such pain and put it down to osteoporosis. Many scans and a stay in hospital later we know that he has tumours up and down his spine, with the primary being in his right lung.
He's 85 and has had a very eventful life, but when you love them it's still too short, isn't it? We've been together for 26 years and rarely argued. We've led a gentle, contented life together and now I must come to terms - as must his loving family - with the fact that we have him for only a few more months or less.
My employers - the NHS - are being very understanding and for now are allowing me all the time I need. There are numerous practical issues to deal with and many more to come, but I'm so grateful to live in a country with an efficient system in place. There's very little I've had to organise myself - i'ts all happening automatically. In addition I've been overwhelmed by the support from family and friends, and if I hadn't gone off my food anyway, I would have the wherewithal to stuff myself with chocolates all day long.
As for John himself, he's always been a positive person, and has developed a faith of his own, so he has been philosophical about his situation. I don't know how it will be further down the line.
I'm not as brave. I'm frightened for him, particularly of his pain, and I'm frightened for my future. I know that most people go through this, but that doesn't help me right now. I'm losing my best friend and only true fan, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.